3 January 2013
In 2012, I decided that I battle depression. I read an article on CNN about a woman that determined
that she was depressed and so many of her examples seemed like things that I
deal with.
There are too many days when I wake up sad and go through
the entire day that way with very few things that cheer me up. Some days, I cry through a lot of the day.
I don’t want medication. There have been few studies that
show that medication actually works better than a placebo. I don’t think I have chronic depression. I don’t stay in bed all day or miss work or
parts of life due to depression. I’m
just sad and angry too much of the time. I generally get past the worst sadness in a day or so.
I was comfort eating for a long time ( I was binging), but I made the choice to stop eating added sugar and the binging has
subsided and the self-hatred due to the binging is gone too.
For 2013, I am going to make the choice to be happy.
I am lucky. I have
had times when I feel utterly at peace with who I am and with my place in the
world. This generally happens on a bike
ride, a run or a hike. That is when I
know what ultimate happiness feels like.
I can return to those feelings
when I need to. I also can often find those feelings when I need to. I am also happy being social. Just being around people improves my mood.
One of my friends posted a meme on Facebook that said “Be
someone that makes you happy”. I think
that may be the key to my happiness. In
December, I flew to Tucson for a half-marathon.
During that entire weekend, I was happy because the person that I felt
like was a care-free adventurer, a strong woman that could run 13 miles in the
desert and hang out with friends in the sunshine by the pool drinking
margaritas afterwards. When I returned
home, I was late picking up my son after school. It was cold and dark. We were both mad at
each other. Right then, the person I
felt like I was was a poor excuse for a mother. I felt like nothing more than his chauffeur
and maid. I don’t like being the maid. The
happy adventurer was gone. I started
crying.
My marriage isn’t good.
But I am not defined by my marriage. I am me and I have to find my own
happiness. Perhaps in doing so, my
marriage might improve.
I don’t necessarily know how to choose to be happy. But I can try to be grateful for who I am and
what I have. I can work on seeing myself
as successful instead of failure. I can
recognize times when I struggle with how
I see myself and just work on little things that will get me past them. I can make sure that I take care of and be
kind to myself. I can recognize the big and little things that make me happy or at least contented.
Let the happiness experiment begin!
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